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  Robert jumped up. “Gini!” he shouted.

  There was a flicker on the brain activity monitor. He kept shouting her name while he texted John.

  The two men performed different stimulating techniques to keep her brain active. The cooling liquid in the blanket had failed. Lisa came rushing into the room when John hit the emergency button.

  “Ice!” John demanded.

  Then Linda appeared.

  “We need another blanket,” John said.

  She quickly left the room.

  The four worked on Gini for an hour. Lisa was glad Debbie had gone to her room to take a nap.

  While Robert continually pressed on Gini’s nail beds, John was doing a sternum rub. Linda continued packing ice around Gini’s body until the blanket arrived. Lisa took ice cubes and rubbed them on Gini’s lips. Then Gini licked them; Lisa announced the action. It was working; her body temperature had dropped to 103.8.

  All four took a deep breath. Lisa kept rubbing the ice cube on Gini’s mouth, then let a drop or two trickle in. Gini swallowed.

  Robert put his head back, somewhat relieved, but he knew the damage had already been done. But to what extent?

  Gini’s fever slowly went back to normal over the next week. Although there was brain activity, Gini showed no awareness.

  Debbie and Robert had many long talks about what to do. He hugged Debbie tight when she cried, her sadness overwhelming her. They both felt so defeated. The only shining light in their lives was Jessica: bright-eyed, active, and happy.

  Micky tried whatever she could to help Debbie, but Debbie seemed closed to her and consumed with Gini’s illness.

  The eighth floor was cleared, and Gini was taken to a different area. The decision was made that she’d stay in the hospital until the family moved into their new house.

  Debbie and Robert did the walk-through, and he went to the closing. Not much of the decor had been selected. They decided the most important items were bedroom furniture, a kitchen table, and simple seating in the great room. Although Robert had anticipated the medical room in the house would be used later in Gini’s life, it was fully functional for Gini’s move-in. It broke his heart.

  Gini would open her eyes occasionally, and she’d hold a mug if Debbie helped her wrap her fingers around it, but there was no attempt to move the cup. Gini did not react to anything or anybody, except Jessica. There was definitely a bond between mother and child. Not too long after they moved into the house, Jessica was irritated and cranky all day. Every time Debbie went into the kitchen, she could hear the unhappy baby crying. She went back to the nursery and asked Alyssa if everything was okay.

  “She’s just restless today. I can’t seem to comfort her,” Aly said.

  Debbie felt around the baby’s face. She didn’t seem feverish. Alyssa told Debbie she had checked Jessica’s temperature a couple of times, and it was normal.

  Gini could hear the cry of her daughter, but she couldn’t go to her; she didn’t know how. I must feed her was a fleeting thought, but then her mind veered into a confusing mix of sound and light. Baby, mother, milk, all words that floated in her head. None of them meant anything to her, just meaningless words.

  “Let me take her for a few minutes.” Debbie took Jessica in her arms.

  “Good, I’ll go fix her bottle.”

  Debbie bounced the sweet little girl and rocked and walked with her, but nothing helped her attitude. Then Debbie had a thought. She walked Jessica back to the master suite and into the medical room. She took a pillow and propped Gini’s arm up and laid Jessica on her arm. Jessica immediately stopped fussing. She opened her eyes and looked at Gini intently.

  Gini slightly tilted her head toward the baby; she was holding her daughter, Robert’s little girl. With the two touching, Gini’s mind suddenly cleared. It’s okay, Jessica, your mama is here, Gini said in her head. Don’t be afraid. Your daddy loves you, and I love you.

  Jessica’s reaction was as if Gini was talking or singing to her. Debbie didn’t know what it was, but Gini had Jessica’s attention. Jessica lifted her feet, reaching her hands to them, then tried to put both her fists into her mouth. She seemed completely content. Gini slowly moved her arm tighter around the pillow.

  Alyssa brought the bottle to the room. Debbie helped Gini hold the bottle with her hand on top, and Jessica sucked the milk. Occasionally, she’d open her eyes wide and look at her mama.

  Debbie tried letting go so Gini could feed her alone, but the bottle just fell from her hand.

  What is wrong with me? Gini thought. Why can’t I hold my baby; why can’t I feed her? She tried to concentrate, but the thoughts quickly drifted out of her mind. She listened to the room’s noises, the rolling trolleys and beeps of machines, watched the lights flicker, and the shadows of people walking around. She had thoughts, but they were wordless. She had emotions, but they were also without words to define them. And then, all of a sudden, a thought would come or a desire, formed into something that made sense. But she never could hold the thought.

  After that, every day Jessica spent some time with her mother. Often, they both slept, with Jessica on Gini’s chest.

  Gini loved holding her little girl, the soft baby smells, the sounds of her coos that eventually turned to giggles and jabber.

  She watched Robert’s tenderness with Jessica and felt the love that bonded the two. Gini was touched with all their love and Debbie’s constant encouragement to get better.

  As the time passed, Gini started to remember about her brain not working, but she didn’t know how she wasn’t the same as other people. She wanted to walk and smile and talk, but she didn’t know how to.

  A strange lady and her son visited often. Gini didn’t know who they were for a long time. Then one day, Lisa took her hand. “Sweetie, look at Timmy and Jessica play. Aren’t they cute together?”

  Timmy. Suddenly Gini remembered who the little boy was. She turned to Lisa and opened her eyes. She knew Lisa, Debbie’s good friend. Then just as quick as the memory appeared, it was gone.

  The strange lady had taken some weird cloth and tied Jessica to Gini’s body. Gini loved the feel of her baby so close to her. Sometimes she could figure out how to put her arms around her. And Jessica always told her mama she loved her. Jessica didn’t have words either, but she didn’t need them.

  One day Debbie wrestled with Jessica to put on her top. Alyssa had gone to the store. Lisa was on the couch laughing.

  “Stop laughing, Lisa,” Debbie said. “Come and help me.”

  Timmy pulled up to a standing position next to the couch and took Gini’s finger in his hand, pulling it up and down—jabbering. Gini put her other arm on his shoulder. She wanted to smile and play with the baby but couldn’t.

  “Let me show you a trick,” Lisa said to Debbie. Lisa blew lightly on Jessica’s face. The little girl stopped squirming immediately and looked at Lisa then smiled. Debbie put the shirt over her head.

  After Debbie got the shirt on Jessica, she grabbed Lisa with her other arm and hugged her tight. Lisa looked her in the eyes, and Debbie kissed her. “Thank you so much for being here. Leesy, I don’t know how we’d be able to do this without you. It seems so natural for you.”

  “Just a little more experience, that’s all.”

  Jessica crawled off Debbie’s lap and crawled over to Gini, where Timmy was playing.

  Debbie brushed the strands of red hair from Lisa’s forehead. “I love the mother you are.” They hugged again.

  Debbie and Alyssa were so grateful for all the help Lisa had offered over the months.

  When Alyssa first met Gini at the nanny interview, she had thought Gini very interesting. Even though she had a speech problem, Gini seemed like a lot of expectant mothers. She had some concerns about bringing a newborn home but was happy and excited about being a mom. Then seeing her in the hospital breastfeeding Jessica, nurturing the baby, and being a beautiful loving mama, Alyssa saw an air of confidence in Gini, and she looked forward to starti
ng her new job. She had no idea she would be in total charge of Jessica, thinking Gini, with Debbie’s help, would be a big part of Jessica’s day. But for the first nine months, Debbie had spent all her time with Gini’s therapy. Robert was there in the evenings, but he knew little about taking care of a baby. She had called Lisa so many times for answers to her questions.

  Jessica was a good baby and especially happy when her mother was in the room.

  Debbie was afraid Jessica would think Alyssa was her mother rather than Gini, but as she grew older, Debbie could see the closeness between the two, even though neither of them ever spoke words to confirm it.

  “Come on, Jessie, it’s time for your nap,” Alyssa said walking toward the toddler.

  The little girl abruptly said “No” and snuggled in closer to Gini. Then suddenly she sat up and looked at her mother. Gini had her eyes open. Jessica turned and put up her hands to Alyssa to help her out of the chair.

  “Thank you, Jessica, for being such a good girl,” Alyssa said, smiling.

  “Listen, pumpkin, your mama is going to bed too.” Debbie knelt in front of Gini’s recliner and brushed down her face. “Everybody could use a nap.”

  Jessica constantly looked at her mama on her way out of the room.

  Never any words, but definitely a communication.

  They’d lived in their new house for nearly a year and it still had no furniture to speak of. Debbie sat on a folding chair near the front window in her room. She stared at the gentle breeze blowing the willow tree. Its branches flew around so gracefully. She was sad—tired. Will there ever be happiness in our lives again? she thought. If Jessica wasn’t there—she just couldn’t imagine how dreadful it would be.

  Micky had just texted her that she wanted to come see Debbie. Debbie declined as she had in the past. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see her and be wrapped in her arms, it was that she didn’t have time. This was so different than when she was with Gini before. Then, it was mostly just the two of them. Now, there was Alyssa and Robert and Jessica, all of whom Debbie felt she had to take care of. She had to make sure the household functioned so they all could get through each day. It was too much to have Micky there, too, having to be attentive to her so she felt welcome. Debbie had always felt that insecure feeling when she was with Micky, like she had to prove she was good enough for her. And the one time when Micky just showed up, the whole house was in chaos with Jessica teething and cranky. Gini was irritable—probably because Jessie was crying—and Alyssa had cramps and kept going to lie down. No, Debbie couldn’t take on one more thing.

  And once again, Lisa was there to take up some of the slack. She was never asked to do anything; she just showed up to help. She was so knowledgeable about kids. Debbie smiled. It was the right decision for Lisa to go to Lenny. He made Lisa’s life complete.

  It took Gini a long time to figure out where she was. Nothing looked familiar to her; only Debbie and Robert were clear in her mind. The space around her had little furniture. Then one day when Debbie took her for a walk in her wheelchair, she heard a water fountain and birds singing. A vivid picture of ducks sitting in a pond appeared in her head, but as usual it disappeared without clarification.

  The more time passed with Gini showing no improvement and little to no response to any of the therapies Debbie put her through daily, the more introverted Robert became. Debbie watched a piece of him slowly die inside.

  John and Maggie were constantly trying to help him, but he refused to talk to them about Gini’s condition.

  Aaron, her old physical therapist, finally got Gini to put her feet to the ground. A significant achievement in Debbie’s eyes. But it didn’t sway Robert.

  Two days after Jessica took her first steps, Gini got up and walked with Debbie. Debbie was extremely pleased, but even though Gini could walk, for months she was like a zombie being led through the house, spoon-fed, and taken care of 100 percent of the time.

  None of it impressed Robert. What kind of life was that for his beautiful wife?

  Jessica’s first clear word was “Dada.” She’d fling herself into his lap, saying, “Dada, Dada,” over and over. He’d grab her up and raise her above his head or hug her close. That was the only time Debbie ever saw happiness in Robert. Often, he’d take his daughter for long walks. Debbie knew it was his escape into a world where he didn’t have to think about what was happening to Gini.

  Jessica was very playful, and it took no time for all of them to realize how intelligent she was. Her energy abounded with Alyssa, but she was always very gentle to Gini, carefully climbing up to sit by her and often falling asleep in Gini’s lap as she slept. It took no time before she called her “Mama.”

  Debbie bought a variety of children’s games and they would play for hours. Debbie was impressed that a toddler could have such a long attention span. Robert played some, but he’d rather sit with Gini in his arms and describe what Debbie and Jessica were doing and how Jessie mostly won, just like Gini had done at braille cards. Each time he’d say braille cards, Gini got a vision of blank white paper.

  After Gini had been home six months, Robert insisted she sleep in their bed together at night. He wanted to hold her and let her know how much he loved her. He thought if he told her stories over and over, it would trigger memories, and she would once again come back to life. But she never seemed to understand, and he felt he should just give up.

  A vision that was constantly in Gini’s head was of her flying, with Robert holding her tight.

  One day Micky called. “Debbie, I want to see you, just you. Please, let me take you to dinner.”

  “No, I told you I can’t leave Gini.”

  “Why not? I think she’ll be fine with her husband. He is a doctor. It has been months since we’ve been alone together.”

  “Come by the house. I can be with both you and Gini.”

  “Debbie, I’ve tried that. You don’t even know I’m there.”

  Debbie saw Robert sobbing out on the patio.

  “I have to go.” She hung up abruptly and went out to comfort him.

  Micky gave a loud sigh. She had lost Debbie to Gini. She knew as long as Gini was in her condition, Debbie was not going to let Micky into her life. Gini was the most important person to Debbie—that would never change.

  Robert turned his back to Debbie.

  “Robert, let me help you.”

  “I’m fine. Please leave me alone.”

  She went to him and rubbed on his back.

  He sat in one of the chairs and buried his face in his hands and wept. She pulled another chair over closer to him.

  “Debbie,” he said, through his tears. “I don’t want to have feelings anymore. Why did I fall in love and unleash my emotions? It was so much better when I didn’t care.” His voice hopped as he spoke.

  “Robert, you have always cared. You are wonderful with your patients.”

  “I fixed them up and sent them on their way, never thinking of most of them again. I did my job, Debbie. That’s all I did, my job.”

  She soothed his back again.

  “She made me care, she made me love, she made me emotional. I hate emotions, I just hate them.”

  He didn’t like losing control. He’d never had that problem until the first time he and Gini made love. It was like all the doors holding his feelings were flung open wide. He wanted them closed—closed and locked tight, never to open again.

  “Robert, that’s what a loving relationship is, letting your guard down and letting that someone into your heart. You and Gini are truly in love and see all sides of each other. Don’t be afraid of your emotions. You know, Gini still loves you.”

  He turned and looked at her. “How could I possibly know that? She can’t do one thing, not one thing.”

  “She’s going to get better. I know she is.”

  “Debbie!” he almost shouted. “It’s been almost two years. Tell me when, just tell me when she’s going to be my Gini again. Please, tell me!” He buried his f
ace again and cried out of control.

  There was nothing she could do to comfort him. And in truth, she was not too far behind him in her thoughts. But she refused to give up. Seeing Gini with Jessica and feeling their connection told Debbie Gini would come back to them.

  Robert wanted Jessica to know her mother as he did. It wasn’t fair that she was being deprived of her mother’s love just because of some stupid virus that none of them could have stopped. And moreover, he wanted Gini to be in her daughter’s life. To laugh with her, play with her, and show her incredible love. How they both had looked forward to having a family! And now... He just wanted her to talk to him, have discussions on how they should teach Jessica, how they should raise her. That’s all he asked for; it didn’t seem like much.

  He knew the way he felt was exactly how Ric and Franco had felt after Gini’s accident. He thought he had shown them sympathy, but now he knew there was no consolation.

  He’d always thought himself so smart with two fancy medical degrees. How many times had he talked to people about their loved one with brain trauma, trying to make them understand what to expect of their family member or friend for the rest of their lives? And he was sure he had made a difference—a few were angry and disappointed he couldn’t have done more, but most were appreciative and thanked him.

  Franco had frustrated him because he didn’t try harder to understand, and he constantly had to talk Ric down from his unrealistic expectations. Robert was convinced he knew how to help these people, but now realized he had been completely clueless.

  He just wanted his Gini back.

  Chapter 11—“Oh… yes…”

  As time passed, the household activities began to fall into a pattern, probably like most families with young kids—it’s all about them.

  Robert had gotten his emotions in check and was the happiest when he was home playing with his daughter or snuggling with his wife. He just wanted to be with her all the time. Even though she never looked alert, he could feel her love.

  John’s son Noah and family lived in Braintree. John and Vicky went there often to be with their grandson, and Noah made it a point to visit every Sunday.